I'm sitting here at Zabar, and in theory it is exactly what I was looking for in terms of ambiance. It's quiet in here.. although I am the only person besides the bar tender who is not with a significant other… but aside from that obvious difference, this place is cute. I came here for the first time with my friend Alison the first time she introduced me to my kiwi friend, Di. The bartender during the day isn't the nicest woman, but the place is all dark wood with orange accents… if you were going to base your opinion of a place on that criteria, then I would say.. I like it a lot. It's a wonderful location, just at the end of rue Blaes.. the antique district… sitting on a small square here is a friterie and a pretty church.. the name escapes me atm.. but it's a good deal, as far as the view is concerned.
So, I'm here and my Canadian friends are in the vicinity dining on something … vegetarian or macrobiotic.. I don't know.. but afterwards, we're meeting for a drink. So, I hauled the ol lap top out here to do some work and to chat with my internet boyfriend.. and wouldn't you know it.. I have no wireless signal to tap into here… so I am in this really high end snobby neighborhood.. the Sablon, and this place seemed like the perfect place, just out of the way, nice and quiet, dark and private.. and I am without connection, and cannot do my homework.
Bah! What's a girl to do? It also occurs to me that I am single.. and although I'm not really happy about it, it is what it is. I'm alone, and I'm a little depressed about it.. but I've been proactive about moving on.. with much reluctance.. but to live and to succeed we must always move forward.. and so I'm single.. and I think other men know it.. or maybe it's because I'm alone wherever I go? I find that all of these handsome European men are staring at me on the tram… and I look away… as I am not entirely sure of what to do.. and then I get off, and watch them ride away thinking, I am so not ready to meet anyone else, why do I care if someone looks at me? It's the attention. It's all about the attention. I've been in a relationship for the past 2 years where I have been in very close emotional and physical contact with someone that I love very much… now I am sleeping alone, not having any physical contact at all with anyone, aside from my friends when I kiss their cheeks hello and goodbye.. and even if I have friends to share my feelings with, and my mom is always good to lend her ear for me to spill my guts at least once a week.. it's not the same. I imagine it won't be.. and I want to say ever. But, lately I have been reflecting on the past month, and honestly, I am so grossed out by the way that things have gone down, that I am not sure of how I feel about him. Last week I said I would love him forever, and that my heart would always belong to him. Today I am pretty damaged and bruised.. not entirely sure if I can recover from this beating to be honest. How do you reconcile the reality that there was a person who you always trusted, and who rarely let you down where trust was concerned.. and then all of a sudden, you wake up one day, you get a phone call and the person on the other end violates every law of reality in the world that you have come to believe in.
For anyone who knows me, and who has known me, you would immediately understand that this is the worse kind of betrayal that I could experience. It is near to impossible for me to trust and believe in a person, and when that's shattered, all that's left is a lot of broken glass and me standing in the middle of it.
Hmm.. so
I want to move on, but I have to remind myself to take my time and try to grow and enjoy the experiences that I have had before me over the past few weeks. I have accomplished so many things that I didn't know I could accomplish. I refuse to allow him to take credit for it either, because I was told to stay in the states and I came here on my own. I chose to stay here and I choose today to stay here on my own with full knowledge that he and I are dissolved and non-existent. That is my choice, my accomplishment, my struggle. And as far as I am concerned.. very possibly his loss.
So, I'm here and my Canadian friends are in the vicinity dining on something … vegetarian or macrobiotic.. I don't know.. but afterwards, we're meeting for a drink. So, I hauled the ol lap top out here to do some work and to chat with my internet boyfriend.. and wouldn't you know it.. I have no wireless signal to tap into here… so I am in this really high end snobby neighborhood.. the Sablon, and this place seemed like the perfect place, just out of the way, nice and quiet, dark and private.. and I am without connection, and cannot do my homework.
Bah! What's a girl to do? It also occurs to me that I am single.. and although I'm not really happy about it, it is what it is. I'm alone, and I'm a little depressed about it.. but I've been proactive about moving on.. with much reluctance.. but to live and to succeed we must always move forward.. and so I'm single.. and I think other men know it.. or maybe it's because I'm alone wherever I go? I find that all of these handsome European men are staring at me on the tram… and I look away… as I am not entirely sure of what to do.. and then I get off, and watch them ride away thinking, I am so not ready to meet anyone else, why do I care if someone looks at me? It's the attention. It's all about the attention. I've been in a relationship for the past 2 years where I have been in very close emotional and physical contact with someone that I love very much… now I am sleeping alone, not having any physical contact at all with anyone, aside from my friends when I kiss their cheeks hello and goodbye.. and even if I have friends to share my feelings with, and my mom is always good to lend her ear for me to spill my guts at least once a week.. it's not the same. I imagine it won't be.. and I want to say ever. But, lately I have been reflecting on the past month, and honestly, I am so grossed out by the way that things have gone down, that I am not sure of how I feel about him. Last week I said I would love him forever, and that my heart would always belong to him. Today I am pretty damaged and bruised.. not entirely sure if I can recover from this beating to be honest. How do you reconcile the reality that there was a person who you always trusted, and who rarely let you down where trust was concerned.. and then all of a sudden, you wake up one day, you get a phone call and the person on the other end violates every law of reality in the world that you have come to believe in.
For anyone who knows me, and who has known me, you would immediately understand that this is the worse kind of betrayal that I could experience. It is near to impossible for me to trust and believe in a person, and when that's shattered, all that's left is a lot of broken glass and me standing in the middle of it.
Hmm.. so
I want to move on, but I have to remind myself to take my time and try to grow and enjoy the experiences that I have had before me over the past few weeks. I have accomplished so many things that I didn't know I could accomplish. I refuse to allow him to take credit for it either, because I was told to stay in the states and I came here on my own. I chose to stay here and I choose today to stay here on my own with full knowledge that he and I are dissolved and non-existent. That is my choice, my accomplishment, my struggle. And as far as I am concerned.. very possibly his loss.
