La nuit dans le Sablon

I'm sitting here at Zabar, and in theory it is exactly what I was looking for in terms of ambiance. It's quiet in here.. although I am the only person besides the bar tender who is not with a significant other… but aside from that obvious difference, this place is cute. I came here for the first time with my friend Alison the first time she introduced me to my kiwi friend, Di. The bartender during the day isn't the nicest woman, but the place is all dark wood with orange accents… if you were going to base your opinion of a place on that criteria, then I would say.. I like it a lot. It's a wonderful location, just at the end of rue Blaes.. the antique district… sitting on a small square here is a friterie and a pretty church.. the name escapes me atm.. but it's a good deal, as far as the view is concerned.

So, I'm here and my Canadian friends are in the vicinity dining on something … vegetarian or macrobiotic.. I don't know.. but afterwards, we're meeting for a drink. So, I hauled the ol lap top out here to do some work and to chat with my internet boyfriend.. and wouldn't you know it.. I have no wireless signal to tap into here… so I am in this really high end snobby neighborhood.. the Sablon, and this place seemed like the perfect place, just out of the way, nice and quiet, dark and private.. and I am without connection, and cannot do my homework.

Bah! What's a girl to do? It also occurs to me that I am single.. and although I'm not really happy about it, it is what it is. I'm alone, and I'm a little depressed about it.. but I've been proactive about moving on.. with much reluctance.. but to live and to succeed we must always move forward.. and so I'm single.. and I think other men know it.. or maybe it's because I'm alone wherever I go? I find that all of these handsome European men are staring at me on the tram… and I look away… as I am not entirely sure of what to do.. and then I get off, and watch them ride away thinking, I am so not ready to meet anyone else, why do I care if someone looks at me? It's the attention. It's all about the attention. I've been in a relationship for the past 2 years where I have been in very close emotional and physical contact with someone that I love very much… now I am sleeping alone, not having any physical contact at all with anyone, aside from my friends when I kiss their cheeks hello and goodbye.. and even if I have friends to share my feelings with, and my mom is always good to lend her ear for me to spill my guts at least once a week.. it's not the same. I imagine it won't be.. and I want to say ever. But, lately I have been reflecting on the past month, and honestly, I am so grossed out by the way that things have gone down, that I am not sure of how I feel about him. Last week I said I would love him forever, and that my heart would always belong to him. Today I am pretty damaged and bruised.. not entirely sure if I can recover from this beating to be honest. How do you reconcile the reality that there was a person who you always trusted, and who rarely let you down where trust was concerned.. and then all of a sudden, you wake up one day, you get a phone call and the person on the other end violates every law of reality in the world that you have come to believe in.

For anyone who knows me, and who has known me, you would immediately understand that this is the worse kind of betrayal that I could experience. It is near to impossible for me to trust and believe in a person, and when that's shattered, all that's left is a lot of broken glass and me standing in the middle of it.

Hmm.. so

I want to move on, but I have to remind myself to take my time and try to grow and enjoy the experiences that I have had before me over the past few weeks. I have accomplished so many things that I didn't know I could accomplish. I refuse to allow him to take credit for it either, because I was told to stay in the states and I came here on my own. I chose to stay here and I choose today to stay here on my own with full knowledge that he and I are dissolved and non-existent. That is my choice, my accomplishment, my struggle. And as far as I am concerned.. very possibly his loss.

Reflections

Posted Date: 21 Dec 05 Wednesday - 3:47 PM

INDUSTRIAL FACTORIES

SMOKE STACKS

MURKY WATER.. THE PULASKI SKYWAY

DUAL HORIZON

Words

Posted Date: 11 Dec 05 Sunday - 8:12 AM


ARBITRARY - NOT REGULATED BY FIXED RULE OR LAW

DISSECT - CUT IN PIECES / EXAMINE POINT BY POINT

DEAD - VOID, USELESS, FORGOTTEN / LACKING FEELING, LACKING ABILITY TO REBOUND

CALIBER - CAPACITY OF MIND, DEGREE OF IMPORTANCE

PROFOUND - DEEP, THOUROUGH, INTENSE, DEEPLY FELT

La Guardia Airport

Posted Date: 05 Nov 05 Saturday - 3:21 PM

Sitting in the waiting area
I listen to you speak for a little while
you don't know this...but..
I am quietly getting to know you
"Where is my wife?" you ask a woman, who jokingly replies,
"You didn't sell her, did you?"
I'm sure in the back of your mind you're thinking,
"Sometimes that seems like a good idea."

2 is better than 1

Posted Date: 04 Sep 05 Sunday - 11:28 AM

I went food shopping last week. Among other things, I purchased an eggplant with the plan to make fried eggplant with spagetti. YUM!
So, I sliced it, and breaded it, and I realized there was alot of eggplant. Too much for 1. So, I put the rest in a plastic container, in the refrigerator.
My dinner was tasty.
The following day, I decided to eat more eggplant, because I hate to waste food. So, I didn't buy any bread, because it goes bad too fast when there's only 1 person to eat it.
As a result of being without bread, my plan for a second evening of eggplant, but with a twist (parm) was shot..
In the end, I had the same dinner, with spagetti.
My dinner was good.
Today, I still had eggplant left. One serving.
I went food shopping again. I decided to make a stir fry. I thought it would be yummy to add some beef. But, all of the packages were too large for 1 person. And I really don't like to reheat beef, it's inevitably well done and chewy. So, I passed it up.
I got home, and put away my veggies and brie. I fed the birds.
You may be surprised, but....
I decided to eat the eggplant anyway. I hate wasting food! What!? So, I dropped the pasta all together. I ate it with a slice of cheese melted on top and sauce, with a slice of bread.
My dinner was OK.
BUT... my point, is that I wish I were still shopping for 2. Because 1 just plain stinks.

Belgium... first thoughts

Well... I am totally anxious and overwhelmed lately...

I'm taking 7 classes, and that's a lot to deal with. But I'm not working, so I have all this extra time to do my work, and although being poor has it's advantages, because it keeps me in the house, as I have no money to shop and go out drinking all the time, unfortunately this is my ideal way to spend my time...

So, it's October 24, and I have almost 2 months of school left, I have to find a job. YUCK! I've gotten used to living on my time, without having to answer to anyone.

On top of all that good stuff, I have decided to move to Belgium! The idea has been in existence first as a concept, and then something meant for later on, and now, something right around the corner.... so before I made the decision to move, I felt like the span of time from then (Sept) to the Spring (the later on idea) was unbearably long.

Well, when you decide to up and move with just a couple of months to organize your whole life in to 4 suitcases, and sell the rest, or ship it home to mom and dad... suddenly I have a new perspective on time.
And, this moving project has essentially become like another class. It requires research (schools, jobs, foreign language class, VISA papers, cheap plane tickets, finding someone to rent my room, seeing my friends) etc etc ETC! It's all so exciting, because on the other end of my flight overseas, waiting for me, is the person I have been working so hard to be with, and that makes it all worth it!

I don't know how long I'll be gone.. isn't that crazy? I might never come back... can you believe that? Or I might... who knows.. that's the fun of it all, right?

Well, Gabriel and I are having a get together in November, which will probably be an unofficial bon voyage party for me, as well as a "hey, Gabriel is in town!" celebration..both are unofficial, mind you, and most likely, you'll get the invitation, and I hope that if you are invited, you come, because I don't know when I'll see you again.. you meaning... you who recieves the invitation... other yous who read this, well, I apologize if you aren't a friend, just an observer... your probably not missing much... but then again... you might be...

Leaving you

Posted Date: 18 Aug 05 Thursday - 5:16 PM


5:30 AM We're naked. Huddled like cubs in a den. The alarm. Finally I'm the one who gets up first

7:45 AM The airport. Departures. 2nd Breakfast. Gin. Anxiety. Butterflies aflutter

9:00 AM You and I depart first. You wipe away my tears, and hold my face in your hands

9:30 AM Somehow, I'm late checking my bags. I'm told I will only make my flight if I run as fast as I can to my destination

Gate B 33, after the passport check point, after the xray check point

The gates run, as you may guess, B 1 up.... I have 32 gates to pass

I have mentioned before that I love flip flops. And I do, really

Holding up my pants with one hand, my bag and ticket in the other

Running on the moving floor makes me feel like I'm in a movie. Maybe a romantic comedy. Only I'm not running to stop you from boarding your flight, and you aren't running after me...

Seat G 27

Departure 10:10 AM

Flight 7.5 hours

J'ai quitté mon coeur avec toi

Subject page 73

Posted Date: 15 Sep 04 Wednesday - 3:55 AM

"She arches her body like a cat in a stretch. She nuzzles her cunt into my face like a filly at the gate. She smells of rockpools when I was a child. She keeps a starfish in there. I crouch down to taste the salt, to run my fingers around the rim. She opens and shuts like a sea anemone. She's refilled each day with fresh tides of longing" ~ J. Winterson

Subject: people

I wrote this one afternoon while I was sitting outside at my previous university.
Posted Date: 01 Sep 04 Wednesday - 3:33 AM

Red fishnet panty hose, becoming two long legs You tug on your skirt It's short, and I like it how you look so uncomfortable in your costume

Written On The Body

I absolutely love this book, and this is one of my favorite entries.
Posted Date: 30 Aug 04 Monday - 6:59 AM

" Articulacy of fingers, the language of the deaf and dumb, signing on the body longing. Who taught you to write in blood on my back? Who taught you to use your hands as branding irons? You have scored your name into my shoulders, referenced me with your mark. The pads of your fingers have become printing blocks, you tap a message on to my skin, tap meaning into my body. Your morse code interferes with my heart beat. I had a steady heart before I met you, I relied upon it, it had seen active service and grown strong. Now you alter it's pace with your own rhythm, you play upon me, drumming me taut. Written on the body is a secret code only visible in certain lights; the accumulations of a lifetime gather there. " ~ J. Winterson

LIVING WITHOUT CONNECTION

Posted Date: 06 Aug 04 Friday - 3:32 AM

I was thinking that by having to visit the library to get online, it would curb my web abuse. And it has. However, I believe I reached a low point in my addiction the other night when I tried to access my space via my cell phone's web. Much to my chagrin, it did not work. Leaving me wanting it all the more.

Personal DNA test

So, I took this Personal DNA test that I found on Di's blog. It's true that it does take a while, but the results, at least for me, were surprisingly accurate. Of course, I answered the questions, and the result is based on that, but the personal analysis goes far beyond your answers and offers a detailed explanation of your "True Self". Move your cursor over the colored boxes to see the results. Of course the written results are far more interesting.

Warped wooden box

Just writing to set my page up